[Day 24] Philosophical meditation

Inspired by a video I found from School of Life, I will try having a philosophical meditation session to regain my focus.

I) What am I currently anxious about? 

I’m anxious about the progress of my individual project. I’m supposed to show some results at the beginning of the trimester but during the break, I procrastinate on my task so much so I have not found anything valuable

I’m anxious about the development of my current self. I let myself loose a lot these days and often use unjustified reasons for my laziness. Sometimes I fell like I’m a hypocrite.

I’m anxious about myself. I lack the will needed to achieve something big. These days, I start losing my concentration and resistance to distraction. I think I’m going backward.

I’m anxious about my attitude with people near me. I seem not to care much about anyone else. I do love them, and definitely, help when requested. In normal times, I just cannot show care enough.

I’m anxious about the time just go by without any steps forward. I’m anxious about using my time carelessly.

b) What is this anxiety really about?

The worst that could happen if:

+ I don’t show up with any result after the break: The professor will be disappointed at me. I might risk losing our relationship and opportunities to work within my field in the next 3 years. However, if I keep my grades and my skills high, I can still be ok.

+ I keep my procrastination and laziness: I will achieve nothing in the break. I will also have the bad tendency to follow that path back in the trimester. If I waste my time, I will have fewer opportunities career-wise and disappoint my family and myself. Will have to go back to Viet Nam and work in a corrupted environment, which is the reason I come here. With my skills, I’m still much employable in Viet Nam if I try enough.

+ People think I’m selfish and do not care about them: I might hurt somebody close to me. I might hurt my family. I will be sad about it. However, I can live with that. It is never a bad time to start show some caring.

II) Who am I upset with and why?

I’m upset with myself mostly, for being unresponsible for my life and letting the surroundings affect me.

I’m upset with my aunt, who is under much pressures in her life. Although I know that she means no harm against me, I’m still irritated by the fact that she always finds something to scold me every time we meet. Whatever I do or not do, there is a reason to complain. Sometimes I’m amazed at how creative these complaints are. Half of the complaints are directly towards me, the other half are to a group that I’m the only representative listening. I find troubling at the first few days, then I thought since I know her motives, I will not be affected anymore. I was wrong. Though I’m compassionate with her innocent motive, I do not think it is her right to pass her troubles to me.

I’m upset with my cousins. Both of them are good, astoundingly good. Only when they are in their normal mood. The older cousin is careless sometimes, and often getting rage, not with me but with his family, which I partly can understand why but not agree with it. The younger cousin is ok, but once I accidentally make him fall off the bed, he continuously curses me “Stupid”. I find his manners disrespectful. I feel bad for them, yet I’m much disappointed in them.

b) If this happens to a friend, what do you advise them?

+ Distance yourself with negative power.

+ Know that they mean no harm. It’s just their ways of living.

+ Try mediation.

+ Reschedule your time.

III) What recently made me feel excited, envious, or desiring? 

My most recent excitement is when I went out to the nearby park to see the waterfalls with my cousins and his friends. I did not go with the group. Walking alone in nature is good. I feel reconnected.

I found excited talking with my mom.

I found excited when I made up my own problems, to make a program to play cards. I was deep in my thought figuring the solutions for that task.

b) What might be missing in my life?

I guess I need to go out for a walk/run and reconnect myself with nature more.

c) If feelings could talk, what might it tell you?

I guess it will tell me to stop settling with mediocre pleasure. Go and try new things.

It will also tell me to sleep and rise early.

d) If other parts of my life were more like this, what might they be like?

It will be an awesome, productive and satisfied life.

 

 

 

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